Tuesday, February 03, 2015

Thudering Insomnia

Weeks of Insomnia,
Bad news, Back pain etc...
I searched my Soul and found it wanting...
Determined to find the point of it all and came up with zilch! 

Letting go of illusions, expectations and beliefs leaves very little to cling to when I ask what's it all about?

Lately I have been desperate for solitude and as much space and time to myself as I can steal... 
There is developing in me a strong aversion to company.

But like most people I have commitments to family and work which must be met. So on life roles and in spare moments I slink in to a quiet corner to consider... "What next?" 

Needing to get out of our fetid unit we gathered the kids and went down to the foreshore where the kids could play and my wife and I could look out on the sea and get some peace. My heart felt lighter, no one demanding anything of me I could just watch nature in action and breathe. There was a large flock of small migratory birds roosting on the rocks. So beautiful, wild and completely free! A tonic for a troubled soul.
Then people started to notice, a couple holding hands, lovers looking for a romantic photo... a man and his son exploring the rock pools, a family out for a picnic. They were all excited by the flurry of feathers, all those birds taking flight. So of course the birds did take flight and each time they attempted to land the people would approach them and cause them to fly again. The birds may have flown many thousands of kilometers to arrive on that beach and at high tide there were very few other places to roost. They were forced into the air time after time while the ignorant (yes naive) destructive humans enjoyed the spectacle of so many birds in the air. And I wondered... With so little of the natural world remaining in tact, will we ever learn to appreciate it as it is? Or will we always be guided by our own selfish desires, putting our dumb curiosity first?

People enjoying the spectacle of birds in flight

Woken at midnight by a violent thunderstorm, demons bashing about causing the windows to shake in their frames and the dog, senile and half cripple,whimpered and farted as she clawed her way under my bed. 

I know I should be more understanding but I tell her to fuck off and leave me alone!

By 1am I realized that tonight was not going to be my night for sleeping. Turned on the laptop and flicked through my dvd collection. I considered a few films but found it hard to choose one... for some reason I kept glancing at 'Midnight Cowboy' I'm already depressed why would I want to watch that? But after the 4th glance I took the dvd out if it's cover and stuck it in the machine.

Sometimes when you're down it helps to look at life not from the street view but from the gutter! The film is full of the pain and self doubt I have been feeling lately. It didn't leave me feeling uplifted at all but at least somebody bothered to express this in film! 

‘…People stopping, staring
I can't see their faces
Only the shadows of their eyes…’
(Harry Nilsson) 

You want a coffee?

On Days like this music blasts through pain to fill my soul, the lyrics are an arch and tunes I could never have created or imagined into being propel me through in absolute rawness and bitter joy pass through me! I stagger about misty eyed full of rapture and simultaneously my own impotence. What I cannot express cannot do. Nothing original, nothing real just an insignificant fractured half entity clenching desperately to stolen Clich├ęs 

Now I'm going for a walk, on my headphones is Dire Straits One world

"...They say it's mostly vanity
That writes the plays we act
They tell me that's what everybody knows
There's no such thing as sanity
And that's the sanest fact

That's the way the story goes..."

That's the way it goes!

1 comment:

Chandra said...

I hope you feel great soon.
I do know what you are talking about.
Since Shaggy's death in Dec'14, I have had several bouts of sadness, to the point of mild depression and I have had to pull myself out of it using music, exercise and meditation. And, playing with my young dog.

Here is a song for you mate - hope this cheers you up some more...


Peace :)