Sleep?

What of it?
While my wife improves herself, reading eating well and exercising.
I forgot what it was I'm supposed to be doing and lost myself with reluctant abandon, enthusiastic in the beginning I soon forgot why.
No point in narrating what remained.
Wat was that Second rule again?

borrowed GIF to make a point... Thanks Buzzfeed

Thudering Insomnia

Weeks of Insomnia,

Bad news, Back pain etc...

I searched my Soul and found it wanting...

Determined to find the point of it all and came up with zilch! 

Letting go of illusions, expectations and beliefs leaves very little to cling to when I ask what's it all about?

Lately I have been desperate for solitude and as much space and time to myself as I can steal... 

There is developing in me a strong aversion to company.

But like most people I have commitments to family and work which must be met. So on life roles and in spare moments I slink in to a quiet corner to consider... "What next?" 

Needing to get out of our fetid unit we gathered the kids and went down to the foreshore where the kids could play and my wife and I could look out on the sea and get some peace. My heart felt lighter, no one demanding anything of me I could just watch nature in action and breathe. There was a large flock of small migratory birds roosting on the rocks. So beautiful, wild and completely free! A tonic for a troubled soul.
Then people started to notice, a couple holding hands, lovers looking for a romantic photo... a man and his son exploring the rock pools, a family out for a picnic. They were all excited by the flurry of feathers, all those birds taking flight. So of course the birds did take flight and each time they attempted to land the people would approach them and cause them to fly again. The birds may have flown many thousands of kilometers to arrive on that beach and at high tide there were very few other places to roost. They were forced into the air time after time while the ignorant (yes naive) destructive humans enjoyed the spectacle of so many birds in the air. And I wondered... With so little of the natural world remaining in tact, will we ever learn to appreciate it as it is? Or will we always be guided by our own selfish desires, putting our dumb curiosity first?

People enjoying the spectacle of birds in flight

Woken at midnight by a violent thunderstorm, demons bashing about causing the windows to shake in their frames and the dog, senile and half cripple,whimpered and farted as she clawed her way under my bed. 

I know I should be more understanding but I tell her to fuck off and leave me alone!

MIDNIGHT COWBOY

By 1am I realized that tonight was not going to be my night for sleeping. Turned on the laptop and flicked through my dvd collection. I considered a few films but found it hard to choose one... for some reason I kept glancing at 'Midnight Cowboy' I'm already depressed why would I want to watch that? But after the 4th glance I took the dvd out if it's cover and stuck it in the machine.

Sometimes when you're down it helps to look at life not from the street view but from the gutter! The film is full of the pain and self doubt I have been feeling lately. It didn't leave me feeling uplifted at all but at least somebody bothered to express this in film! 

‘…People stopping, staring
I can't see their faces
Only the shadows of their eyes…’

(Harry Nilsson) 

You want a coffee?

On Days like this music blasts through pain to fill my soul, the lyrics are an arch and tunes I could never have created or imagined into being propel me through in absolute rawness and bitter joy pass through me! I stagger about misty eyed full of rapture and simultaneously my own impotence. What I cannot express cannot do. Nothing original, nothing real just an insignificant fractured half entity clenching desperately to stolen Clichés 

Now I'm going for a walk, on my headphones is Dire Straits One world

"...They say it's mostly vanity
That writes the plays we act
They tell me that's what everybody knows
There's no such thing as sanity
And that's the sanest fact

That's the way the story goes..."


That's the way it goes!

Rest - a Parasympathetic imperative!

Last night I actually got to bed before midnight!

Burning the candle at both ends has worm me down... way, way down! I have ignored all the signs and laughed at suggestions that I get some rest. I don't operate heavy machinery, I sit in an office for most of the day, who should care if I stay up every now and then? Surely I'm entitled to a little bit of me time!

Well every now and then has once again become every night! After a day sitting, mostly at the computer I come home, get straight into taking care of kids and family and once they are all settled and sleeping, the adolescent in me says great! Now it's my time! And so I switch on the computer and catch up on all the stuff I'd really like to be doing if I had more time! I convince myself that there's no harm in it but I recently read an article in Kindred magazine titled A Place to Rest that made reference to the Parasympathetic Nervous System. 

My lifestyle would appear pretty easy to most people but the reality is that I am suffering from stress! TRUE!

Having virtually collapsed from unhealthy exhaustion last night the article reminded me of all the aspects of life I've been pushing to the side for too long. Physical exertion, meditation and most importantly some healthy Rest! I have refused to rest! I know I need it but I've fueled myself on caffeine and insisted on getting my fair share of time to do what I like! The problem is that the most available time, when I don't have other commitments is late at night when everyone is asleep... and when I should be too! I have no energy to actually do anything so I jump on the computer! I can defrag the computer but my mind remains over wound.

I have never coped well with sitting around at other people's leisure! Not that I have miles of strength or energy but I am one of those people who is much better off put to productive use! The sedentary life is like a slow death! I enjoy the comfort of working in an office and I love my family but I respond to captivity like an animal caged. I have developed a neurosis! Reading this article which mentions the Parasympathetic Nervous System reminded me of the harm I know my lifestyle is doing to me... It's gotta change!

Well actually it is changing, little by little. Just for today I have managed to counter this problem! (I say as I type about it so close to midnight!) Today I spent the whole day outside with my boy! It was hot and we sweated... Spending the morning laboring down at our community garden in Nightcliff was a great way to exercise the demons of idleness! Then off to the pool for a swimming lesson, followed by a fairly long cruise along the foreshore on our bike, visiting a friend and eventually returning home at about 4pm exhausted (and sunburned...). Physically exhausted and completely happy. Ready to rest! As my boy gets older I am gradually finding ways to get us both out there. I think he's a lot like me and enjoys the stimulus of being amongst the plants, working in the soil, meeting the Frilled Necked Lizards, the people and the weather!

This morning it rained on us while we rode down McMillans Rd. We sang and laughed as we cycled through the tropical shower. When we arrived at the garden it was hot but we were happy to see the chooks and eat snake beans off the vine! We inspected the Banana Circle that we'd help to make the week before and found the compost rich and steaming, full of life! The boy happily wandered off to find lizards and collect cicada shells while I cut bamboo and chatted with my gardening friends... As far as I can tell this is about the best way to prevent:

• Heart disease
• Sleep problems
• Digestive problems
• Muscle tension, pain, and headaches
• Depression
• Obesity
• Memory impairment
• Worsening of skin conditions, such as eczema

• Anxiety
• Restlessness
• Inattention, lack of focus
• Irritability and aggression
• Sadness, depression, and lack of motivation
• Over-eating or under-eating
• Smoking, drug, and alcohol abuse

(List of ailments as per that article in the Kindred magazine)

It's been really difficult to get any time to Rest at home since we had the kids, (Several years) Today was one of the few days in all of that time when I could actually lay down on the bed for half an hour, during the day without having to break up a fight, change a nappy, prepare someones food, or attend to any number of other domestic responsibilities or demands. I actually managed to get half an hour of real Rest! BLISS!

Now that the boy is getting older we may be stepping into a new phase of family life. My mission will be to wear him and myself out physically whenever the opportunity avails. This will be our path to peace!