Finding peace in the turmoil is a bit of a mission.
The circumstances of my life are changing quickly. Before going to Bali last month I was considering dropping nearly everything and walking away from life as I have come to know it.
If I hadn't booked that trip I don't know if I would have made it through another day of work! I have hit the wall, or rock bottom. The capacity to ignore core differences in values seems to have evaporated and my tolerance is low.
Taking time off was a great boost to morale but the questions remained. I was about to turn fifty and was absolutely sure that my current circumstances were a death sentence to the spirit! Where spirit goes the body must follow.
In Bali and Yogyakarta I was able to take a deeper look at my life and see where particular qualities were lacking or just outright missing from my life. There were too many to mention!
I found some peace in the spirituality of the place and some confronting meetings that I was determined to attend. Toward the end of my time in Ubud I realized that I had neglected too many elements that I consider essential to living a fulfilling life.
The sensation I had while there left me feeling as though I was sitting square in the palm of God's hand.
Everything that happens on my journey is necessary for the unfolding of my life and each is an important part of the story that continues to be written. The experience of connection and belonging that I received was so intense I believed they would continue long after I left.
Now just over a week later and I realize I have much more learning and unpleasant experiences ahead of me. There have been some very low moments full of doubt, anxiety, and confusion. I have not slept more than a couple of hours each night and my compass is all messed up. But I now have a new kit of tools to get busy putting to use.
These feelings I have described are equally part of my necessary growth. I know that spiritual awakening is not about being happy or blissed out all the time. Sometimes it's difficult, confusing and very lonely. The journey must go on.
So what now? What is this little black duck to do? Back to the basics. I get on my bike early each morning, long before the sun rises, and I ride. I have introduced a ritual of light exercise, riding, brief meditation, a fair bit of music for distraction, writing in my journal and sitting in nature! When I am doing this my purpose and meaning of life is clear.
My ride takes to the beach for sunrise and meditation (not comfortable thanks to the sand flies)
When there is some light in the sky I travel the coastal trail through a tropical monsoon vine forest and cross the bridge over sandy creek where the mangroves grow. I see Nightjars, butterflies and sometimes the elusive Emerald dove or Rainbow pitta.
Follow the sandy paths up to Casuarina Cliffs where the view above the beach gives a clear 180 degree view of the horizon.
I cruise along listening to my favorite music, by now I am in a heightened state of peace and unity.. Riding in a peacefull trance to a coffee vendor and get a takeaway in my reusable cup (if I remembered to bring it), maybe a doughnut and head back to my favorite bench at Nightcliff foreshore where, with the assistance of caffeine, sugar and fat, I commence the work of noting my thoughts, experiences, questions, challenges and plans. I write a five point gratitude list (haven't graduated to ten points yet)
When I have completed this process and am ready to ride home I know I am on the right path. It doesn't solve my troubles for the rest of the day but I'm working on it.
In the mornings I am usually surrounded by birds of one kind or another. Lately there have been Red-tailed Black Cockatoos pulling Casuarina nuts off the trees directly above me. Scraps of husk fall to the ground all around me like confetti or snow... or rock hard hail.
For these things I am grateful.
