Last call

Spellbound by music I saw my life unfold in the lyrics of my favorite songs.
If I thought drugs or alcohol could enhance my emotional contact with the world then music was always part of the equation.

I never had the gift of a good voice or even a basic sense of rhythm, I didn't learn an instrument and couldn't dance but the feelings were intense and I committed totally to the experience... on the inside.

When I became acquainted with the Dire Straits song 'Your Latest Trick' in the late 80s, the lyrics 'It's past last call for alcohol', sent a chill down my spine, fear of running dry! The rush for last drinks was ingrained in my DNA. Threat of supply being cut off was a grim reality. The writing was well and truly on the wall for me for a long time before last call actually meant THE LAST CALL! 

I may have overshot my last call by a couple of years but, rock bottoms are like that, you get more chances to experience the worst, until the very end and there is nothing left but Korsakoff's or Death. 
I stepped off the train before it hit the wall.

On this day 24 years ago I was offered a second chance at life. I put my hand out and an opportunity was presented to me freely with a handshake. I was welcomed into an exclusive club and assured there are no fees! I'd already paid the price of admission!

Music was fundamental to my emotional survival as a drinker, it also created the matrix of my emotional vocabulary, how I related to the world was directly related to the music I listened to. Music was like a surrogate emotional coach. It was all highly emotive and lacked maturity, but the feels were strong.

In sobriety I found I could no longer listen to much of the music I related to and relied on for many years. New tunes had to move into the space that bands like Pink Floyd occupied. At least until I had some time under my belt. 

Someone introduced me to Ted Hawkins... Rough and Gritty in your face alcoholism and misery! As brutal as he was the music spoke to my sobriety. I got it. I discovered lots more music that related more to my recovery than to my addiction, music can be like that. You find meaning from listening, new connections are made, new understanding. A new reality.

Right around the corner tonight is a Latin band, with dancing girls... I may move that way some time. But tonight I am sitting in my own space, enjoying a healthy meal I made for myself. Sitting alone in my own space. Just feeling the simple joy of taking one sober breath after another and knowing that I could have missed the whole thing!

Grateful for the comfort, grateful for the pain.  

If we see each other in 2020, I'll save a smile for you, maybe we can play a new tune and with confidence take the next step that calls the living to dance.